


One Hundred and Seventeen Pounds of Kickass Skin and Bones

by AnonEhouse



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gender or Sex Swap, Happy Ending, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 19:46:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9087565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Stiles becomes female and rolls with it. No angst, no tears, no trauma. Stiles loves being a girl.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I ate and napped-- this sometimes results in cracky dreams. Then I woke up and had to research and google and write this. I hope you enjoy it.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

 

Over the summer, Stiles hit magical puberty and turned female. Deaton was all mysterious and useless, Scott was all Allison and useless, and if you thought Stiles was going to resort to macho, angsty, werewolves for a support group, Hah! Google was a good boyfriend, and Dad gave Stiles a rape whistle, pocket mace and the most awkward 'sex talk from the other side I have no clue but God, Stiles, only you'. 

Stiles researched, and experimented, and had deep, meaningful conversations with himse... herself... and decided she didn't need no stinkin' cure, she felt more herself than she ever had as a boy. She could happily think about Derek and the result wasn't visually obvious, but worked quite nicely, thank you. She looked at herself in the mirror, all buzz cut, beauty marks, and Bambi eyes, and fist pumped in self-congratulation. She was hot stuff. "YESSS!"

 

"That's Stiles' locker," Jackson pointed out on the first day back at school. "What are you doing? Gonna prank the dork?"

Stiles turned and grinned at Jackson. "I was feeling like a change." She threw her shoulders back. Her breasts weren't large, but they were firm enough she didn't need a bra, and they looked fine under her Jawsome tee and blue plaid shirt. She didn't mind in the least that she looked like she was wearing her boyfriend's clothes.

Jackson's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. Stiles patted him on the shoulder as she walked past. "Good talk, Jackson."

 

"Yep," Stiles repeated cheerfully as she went from class to class, "this is the new me. I've stopped pretending! No more socks in the pants! No more breast binding!" She had thought about claiming to have had sex reassignment surgery, but beyond the impossibility in the time frame, she felt it was disrespectful to people who had gone through all the soul-searching, social fears, and physical pain of the process. 

It was great. Even Harris was at a loss. The werewolves sniffed and whined. Allison and Lydia looked at her with new eyes, and Scott, Lord Bless him, Scott blinked and got that cute little confused scrunch between his brows and only said, "We're still bros, right?"

 

"I have spider finger powers," Stiles told Lydia, speaking around a mouthful of curly fries at lunch. Stiles waved her hand. "Seriously, thirty-two orgasms in a row. And that was just before breakfast." 

Lydia looked thoughtfully at Jackson, and then back at Stiles' hand. Stiles grinned brightly.

 

"I should have known after that essay on male circumcision," Finstock said. "But HOW? I mean... not that I looked, but showers? Didn't ANYONE notice?" Finstock looked around the locker room. No one met his eyes. They were all avoiding looking at Stiles, too.

"Locker room rules," Stiles said gleefully. 

"Dry your feet and put the wet towels in the bin?" Finstock muttered. "That's it, you're off the team, Stilinski."

Stiles protested, "It doesn't say 'Beacon Hill's Boy's Lacrosse Team'! And hey, I don't even have to wear a cup!"

Finstock frowned suspiciously. "You don't have a tattoo of a dagger anywhere, do you?"

"Nope! Want to check?" Stiles began pulling up her shirt.

"NO! Ok, sweetheart. Fine. At least you're not Greenberg."

"Thanks, Cupcake!"

 

"Get your hands off me!" Stiles whipped out her mace and sprayed Principal Gerard liberally in the face. While he staggered back, she screamed, "RAPE!"

Derek appeared out of nowhere, and turned into a freakin' huge black wolf. Gerard's eyes bugged out, and he had a convenient heart attack. Derek pissed on his corpse before turning back into a human. A very naked human.

Stiles appreciated the view. She always had, but now, Derek was appreciating her back.

 

"You only want me because I'm a girl," Stiles pouted later. Much later, after she and Derek had appreciated each other several times in several different positions in Stiles' bed, which turned out to be quite large enough for the two of them, if they were creative. Really creative.

Derek scowled and looked shifty-eyed. "No."

"You are a terrible liar."

Derek growled. "I always wanted you, but I'm the Alpha."

"So?"

Derek popped his claws a few times and nibbled on them. "You like children. Don't you?"

"That was the problem?" Stiles rolled her eyes. "Idiot. We could always adopt."

"I didn't think of that," Derek said in a surprised tone of voice. He snuggled up close to Stiles. "But we're not adopting Scott."

"That would be stupid. He has to be best man at the wedding."

Derek nodded. "But your dad had better hold onto the rings. Scott's... you know."

Stiles patted Derek's hand. "Scott's my bro, don't diss him."

Derek huffed, but didn't say anything else, mostly because he'd turned back into the wolf to curl around Stiles.

 

"STILES, NO! Not bestiality!" Stile's dad shouted the next morning when he went to wake Stiles for school.

"It's ok, Dad!" Stiles said. She nudged Derek in the ribs. "Derek's a werewolf."

Derek turned back into a man and pulled the covers up over himself. "Sir," he said apologetically.

Stile's dad blinked. "And what are your intentions, Derek?"

Derek took a deep breath. "We would like to get married. I am financially secure and would do everything I could to help Stiles with any academic or professional goals she might have. I know we would need your consent, and would have to see a pre-marriage counselor and appear before a judge."

"Wow," Stiles said, "you really have thought about it."

Derek gave her a besottedly sweet look. "Yes."

Stile's dad blinked again. "Stiles is seventeen, can't you wait a year?"

Derek blushed. "Ahhh, well... I... didn't think to use protection, and werewolves are incredibly fertile. So... there might be some urgency."

Stiles smacked Derek in the back of the head. "It's a good thing I wanted kids!"

"I haven't had sex in years, I didn't think about it!" Derek pouted. "I'm sorry."

"Jesus," Stile's dad said, "you're both kids." He sighed. "I'm not gonna say 'no'. I know how Romeo and Juliet turned out. But!" He poked a finger into Derek's chest. "You either live here, or you get a proper house where I don't have to worry about the safety of my grandchildren!"

Derek nodded. "Yes, sir!"

"So, can I skip school today?" Stiles asked.

"No. You're going to school, and Derek and I are going to have a long talk about his future."

Derek winced. "Yes, sir."

 

Stiles whistled all the way to school, while thinking up baby names.


	2. One Hundred and Forty Seven Pounds of Stretching Skin and Aching Bones

The first wedding was at City Hall, because by the time they had done all the paperwork and counseling and talking to the judge (which was a little awkward because she'd known Stiles as a boy) and applied for and got the license, well, it took weeks and Stiles wasn't exactly a patient person.

"Let's do it!" Stiles said as they stood on the steps of the courthouse, waving the license. "Let's do it now!" She tugged at Derek's hand.

"We don't have any rings," Derek pointed out.

Stiles yanked her hand out of Derek's and rummaged in her pocket to pull out a length of broken crosse cord. She held it up, stretched tight between her hands. "Bite," she told Derek.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Seriously?"

"Why not? Do you know that men only wear wedding rings in this country because of an advertising campaign the jewelers ran starting in the 1920s? At first they were targeting women with matching engagement and wedding ring sets and tied-in advertising campaigns."

Derek looked at Stiles' father, in mute appeal.

Stiles continued, "In the 1930s, De Beers, the international diamond cartel, hired an ad agency, and they were brand naming 'Rings o' Romance' and 'Tokens of Love'." Stiles went on without taking a breath. "And then they went to work on the men, during World War II, with the Jewelry Industry Publicity Board running ads in radio, movies and newsreels until by 1943 about 80 percent of couples went for the double-ring ceremony. They even got the Catholic Church in on it in the 1950's, blessing two rings in wedding masses." 

Derek mouthed, 'help'.

Stiles' dad shrugged. "I suggest you bite and get it over with. This could go on for hours."

"Thanks, _Omar_ ," Derek said spitefully before fanging out just enough to snip the cord in half.

"Omar?" Stiles said, wide-eyed, letting the severed cord dangle from her fingers. 

"I saw it on the paperwork," Derek said, grinning as Stiles' dad gave him the stinkeye.

"I thought your first name was the same as mine, Dad! Omar." Stiles giggled. "Omar, that's not even Polish!"

"Neither is _Rupert_ ," _Omar_ replied. "Your mother convinced me to change it the first time I ran for office."

Stiles' eyes widened. "Omar Sheriff. Oh, my God, Mom, I love you!" Stiles looked up at the sky and grinned. Then she looked at Derek, and her eyes narrowed. "I see your eyes going all shifty, Derek. Confess, your real name is something silly."

Derek huffed. "My real name is Derek." Stiles kept staring, and Derek broke under the force of puppy dog eyes. "My middle name is Gandolph, though."

"Your mom was an LOTR fan? Awesome."

"It's GandOLPH, not Gandalf. It means 'progress of the wolf'," Derek added, as if that would help.

"Gandolph, Omar and Rupert went into City Hall... sounds like the beginning of an epic joke." Stiles twirled the string and looked meaningfully up the steps.

"What about your friends?" Omar asked, in a last ditch effort. "They'll be hurt if they don't get an invitation."

"They can come to the next wedding! In the church, or maybe the back yard? Or, you know, in the Preserve, where we first met." 

"Yeah," Derek nodded. "That... that would be nice. My parents got married there."

So the three of them went up the steps. Since it was Beacon Hills, the judge barely raised an eyebrow when Stiles and Derek took turns tying cord on their fingers.

Stiles went down the steps, hanging onto Derek's arm, so she didn't have to watch her footing, and admired her hand. "Is that a True Lover's Knot? I only managed a half hitch."

Derek admitted, "I was a cub scout."

 

Deaton was an ordained minister. Of course, he was. He even had a ceremony specifically for 'spiritually binding a witch and werewolf'.

"And if anyone here has reason to..."

Jackson stood up. "You know, either one of these two are trouble, but letting them marry is just asking for the apocalypse. OW!" 

Lydia smiled sweetly, and pulled Jackson off to one side. "If I broke a heel on you..."

"No objection!" Jackson yelled as he was dragged off to a folding chair sitting on a clear space in the forest they'd found surrounding a conveniently huge tree stump to serve as altar. "They deserve each other! OW! Lydia, have a heart."

Deaton's expression didn't change. "Do you, Derek (they decided the order of precedence by going alphabetically- werewolf before witch, despite Stiles wanting to roshambo with Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock) take Stiles to be yours through all shifts of the telluric tides, and vow to support her to the best of your ability against all challenges that life may hold for ye twain?"

"I do," Derek said softly.

"And do you, Stiles (there may have been a photocopy of the marriage license with names redacted) take Derek to be yours through all phases of the moon, and vow to support him to the best of your ability against all challenges that life may hold for ye twain?"

"Yes! You know, forever." Stiles smiled at Derek.

"Then you may exchange these rings I have blessed for you under moonlight, starlight, and sunlight." 

Stiles and Derek put on the rings. They were seemingly plain titanium bands, but as a wedding gift, Deaton had taught Stiles how to make them impossible to lose, or break, and to change to fit no matter how the wearer's shape changed.

Scott fanged out, weeping. Melissa gave him an embroidered hanky. 

"You may..." Deaton stopped, as Stiles and Derek were already lip-locked. "Well, I now pronounce you witch and werewolf."

"Throw the bouquet!" Omar urged after a few minutes when it began to seem that the kissing was going on forever.

"Oh, yeah." Stiles broke away from Derek, and put a finger on Derek's lips. "Placeholder. Ok! Is everyone ready?" Stiles dropped her bouquet of wildflowers, selected for mystical meanings and because they smelled good, into her crosse and prepared to throw it. 

The crowd scattered, moving back with even the less matrimonially inclined joining in, because lacrosse! Allison and Erica and Danny and Boyd and Isaac all scrambled to catch the bouquet. It bounced off of them and headed straight for Melissa. Omar leaped to intercept it, and his hands tangled with hers as they got it simultaneously.

"EXCELLENT!" Stiles high-fived Scott, who was still holding a shredded hanky. 

Then they threw wildflower seeds, because maybe rice wasn't good for the birds, or maybe that was an urban legend, but no one wanted to get Stiles started on research, so they had bought up hundreds of packets of seeds of wildflowers native to the area, and opened them into a big bowl and everyone threw handfuls at the happy couple. What didn't wind up in their hair fell on the tree stump.

The tree stump sprouted, green shoots bursting through the altar cloth, leaping into the air, spreading out new leaves and climbing skyward in seconds. A shining rainbow appeared, despite the gloom of the forest, and birdsong erupted. "Oh, crap," Deaton said, tiredly, "I forgot about the Nemeton."

"What?" Derek asked, eying the rapidly regenerating tree, covered with blooms, and butterflies, and even hummingbirds. He tried to push Stiles behind him. Stiles wriggled around to watch the tree.

"It's a sacred place, where the confluence of the telluric lines, ley lines, etheric... " Deaton gazed around at all the uncomprehending eyes. "Consider nuclear power. It can be a devastating bomb, or a useful power plant. If activated by blood sacrifices and evil rituals, a Nemeton attracts hostile forces."

"And if you celebrate a wedding and give it flower seeds?" Stiles asked. She peered closer into the mass of foliage. "Is that a passenger pigeon?"

KNOCK-KNOCK.

"Who's there?" Stiles asked, before looking up into the tree to see a huge woodpecker gazing back at her. "Is that an ivory-billed woodpecker?"

 

Stiles looked mournfully through the gaps in the electrified fence surrounding the Nemeton and sighed. "I knew we shouldn't have reported the birds to Audubon," she whispered. It was midnight, but the Audubon forces were constantly patrolling around the Nemeton, on the alert for new species emerging from extinction, to be carefully captured and sent to suitable environments. It wasn't as if Stiles wanted to hurt the bird guards, but she _needed_ to get close to the Nemeton. The need had grown along with her belly.

"It was hard to hide once the great auks started waddling out onto the road," Derek reminded her. He was lying on the ground at full length, arm slid under the bottom line of wire, stretching until he managed to grab a spinachy looking plant and pull it back. "That's the last I can reach," he said, giving the plant to Stiles. 

"Salad, yay!" Stiles gave Derek a kiss.

 

"Can't we just go to the Farmer's Market, Stiles?" Derek said, watching once they returned home, as Stiles shredded the rinsed leaves, and thinly sliced the well-washed root of the plant. "I know rampion isn't a common herb, but this is California! Someone's got to grow it."

"Yeah. I guess so." Stiles sat down with the bowl and munched methodically, chasing every last shred until it was gone. She patted her belly. "Hear that, Peanut? Daddy's gonna get you all the rapunzel you want."

"Rapunzel?" Derek's eyes widened.

"Uh huh," Stiles said, "Campanula rapunculus, also known as rampion, or rapunzel."

"Oh, crap," Derek said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMDB informed me that 'Stiles' Stilinski's first name in the 1985 Michael J. Fox movie 'Teen Wolf' was Rupert. I just had to use it.
> 
> I take all blame for Omar Sheriff, though.


	3. One Hundred and Eighty Five Pounds of Furry Skin and Sniffing Nose

"Be safe out there!" Stiles called as she made her way with less dignity than enthusiasm to the front door, preceded by her belly. "Don't forget your vest!" She held up Derek's specially designed Kevlar vest.

Derek sighed.

"I know you hate it. Do it for me and Peanut, so we don't have to worry about you?" Stiles' puppy dog eyes widened. 

"Fine." Derek took the vest. "I'm going to get changed. Omar will be picking me up soon."

Stiles grinned. "I'm so glad you're going to be Dad's partner. Even if we did have to bend the rules."

Derek kissed Stiles. "I'll look after Omar. You just look after yourself and Peanut." Derek stroked Stiles' arm. "Melissa said..."

Stiles rolled her eyes. "Deaton said, too. Eat more, rest more, take your vitamins, Stiles! I'm fine. Go on, get changed, you don't want to be late on your first day."

Derek put on the vest. "I feel ridiculous." Then he growled and shifted into his full wolf form. He was still wearing the Monsters, Inc. boxers with Sully and Boo that Stiles had bought as a joke.

Stiles pointed to the boxers. "I don't think that goes with the uniform."

Derek huffed and stood semi-patiently while Stiles grunted her way down to bend over enough to tug off the boxers. She opened the door and waved the boxers gaily as Omar pulled up in his squad car.

Omar looked at the boxers, and at Derek, who was standing on all fours, with his ears splayed out to the sides. "Trainee Hale," he said with a straight face. "Stiles." He opened the back door of the cruiser and Derek jumped in, turning around immediately to stare out the window at Stiles.

Stiles waved the boxers and giggled. "Go, Deputy Dawg!"

Omar drove off. "Sorry about that. It's genetic." He smiled fondly. "His... her mother was the same way. Eh. You gotta love 'em."

 

"Drug sniffing dog?" the man with the embroidered white egret logo on his jacket said as he peered through the electrified fence at Sheriff Omar and Derek in his official police dog vest with bright yellow lettering. "We're from Audubon! We're here to protect the birds, not get high."

"Uh huh," Omar said calmly. Derek sat next him, blue eyes half-lidded with boredom. Various honks and chirps and squawks indicated the arrival of newly unextinct birds. Derek sneezed.

"Do you really have to bring that great big dog in here?" the man said nervously. "Can't he just... like... sniff from out there?"

"Derek is a highly trained specialist. Absolutely reliable," Omar said. "You know, I could just go get a warrant, and come back with a lot of officers, but I thought, it's for the birds, I'd do this the quiet way."

"All right, I guess." The man turned off the electric fence, and unlocked the gate. "But please, don't scare the birds!"

Derek pushed past Omar and made a pretense of sniffing, then he woofed and ran to the nearest patch of rampion and began digging around it.

"Ah," Omar said, sagely. "See, I don't blame you, someone must have planted that patch before you got here." He pulled out a large plastic bag and a spade. "I'll just have to take some in for evidence, now, and return later for the rest."

"What's going on?" Several other Audubonites wandered up to watch the proceedings. "That's not pot. Or opium poppies. Or even salvia," one of the young men said.

Omar gave him a suspicious look. "So, you're an expert on psychotropic plants?"

"Uh, no, it's just... nature! You know, natural things." The young man backed away hastily and disappeared around the side of the Nemeton.

Omar began bagging the plants that Derek dug up. 

"Really, this doesn't seem right," the guy in charge protested. "I'm going to have to call to verify this. You can't come in here and..."

BOOOOM BOOOOM BOOM. 

Screams.

Running feet. And around the side of the Nemeton the rest of the Audubon folk ran, with a ten foot tall bird striding behind them, flapping undersized wings and puffing up its long neck to produce cannon like thrumming booming noises.

"WHAT'S THAT!" Omar said, his service revolver in hand.

"Oh my God! My God, that's an ELEPHANT BIRD! GET THE NETS!" Audubon guy-in-charge said.

"ARE YOU NUTS?" Omar took a stance and aimed at the bird's head.

"NO NO! SAVE THE ELEPHANT BIRD!" Audubon guy leaped in front of Omar.

Elephant bird stretched out its neck, boomed again, and fastened one beady eye on Omar. It took a step forward.

Derek roared, fur bristling and eyes glowing bright red.

The bird went "EEEP", folded up its legs and laid its head down on the ground.

Derek huffed and went over to the bird, sniffing at it until the nets arrived.

"Ok," Omar said, while putting up his gun. "He's part bird dog."

 

"Oh, rampion," Stiles said, when Derek and Omar returned for lunch with a bag full of greens. "That's nice, I guess."

"You guess?" Derek had changed back and pulled off his police dog vest, which was liberally spotted with bird doo. "Don't you want it?"

"Eh, I don't know." Stiles poked at the leaves. "I'm more in the mood for Ghost Pepper ice cream, now."

Derek looked at Stiles, and then at the bag full of rampion. "No." 

Stiles sighed. "I mean, I know they say pregnant people can't eat it, but Ghost Pepper! It just cries out to me."

Omar looked at Derek and then set his shoulders, bravely. "How about marinated anchovies?" Omar offered with a wince. "Or feta cheese?"

"With bread and butter pickles! YES!" Stiles said. "And apple juice! The good kind without nitrates!" Stiles looked at Derek. "I need it, Derek. I really, really need all of it."

Derek kissed Stiles. "I'll go." He went upstairs to get dressed.

Stiles watched him all the way up. "Derek is a beautiful person. And he rubs my feet, too," she said with a smile.

Omar patted Stiles on the back. "I'm going to go out and plant the rampion. In case you change your mind next week."

"Pffft, I never.... Oh, Derek," Stiles called up the stairs, "Grapefruit juice, PINK grapefruit juice, not apple!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep thinking this story is done!
> 
> Ghost Pepper Ice Cream exists.  
> http://www.bravotv.com/blogs/spicy-ghost-pepper-ice-cream-in-rehoboth-delaware


End file.
